Baby (not) on Board

I was in a fender-bender this week--really very minor, and Nola was not in the car with me. And yet I have had bad dreams involving Nola for the past two nights, for the first time ever (although probably not the last).

I have this little twinge in my shoulder now, probably from the seatbelt, and it's not a big deal. But every time I feel it, an image of Nola being jerked side to side in the carseat pops into my head. And I feel sick. How little would it take to hurt her? Babies are tougher than we think, but not tough enough for a car accident, especially one involving side impact, I fear.

So when I dropped off my sad little Prius yesterday (and wrangled the carseat out of it and into the rental car by myself in the rain--ah, mommyhood), I was incredibly paranoid about driving with the baby, in a way I have not been since she was first born. This was motivated, not in small part, by a horrible experience of one of my colleagues, who, well before my time at my institution, was involved in a car accident and whose young daughter died as a result. When I was late for a meeting because of the accident, one colleague said that she thought immediately of that situation. And so did I. I remember her anguish on what would have been her daughter's 16th birthday, and it makes my chest hurt.

I don't know if I have anything funny or clever to say this week about this experience. It was scary, and minor, and quick, and inconvenient, and it in no way involved my daughter. But there it sits, on my shoulder, making sure I tighten the chest strap on her carseat enough, even though doing so makes her cry. And although she's getting bigger and stronger every day, it reminds me how fragile and how dependent on me for her safety she is.